Okay, so I’m battling a little bit of depression right now. And by a little bit I mean a decent amount. I’m a little out of love to be honest. And I need your prayers. I having such a hard time seeing Joy, and realizing the Joy in Love, or really even the Purpose in Love. My faith is shaking under the weight of a million questions. Questions that I don’t think I’m going to get many answers to right now. I seem to have lost my ability to take Life one day at a time and I’m quickly running out of ways to distract myself. I need Love, and I need it fast. I need help and prayer and joy and some kind of realization soon. I feel kind of like i’m drowning. And not in a good way. Like, that song “oh how He loves us” where it says that “if grace is an ocean, then we’re all drowning”. In a, life is up to my neck, sort of way. I feel like God’s asking me to do something, but I can’t discern what it is right now. I just need a little bit of freedom from the chains that are binding me. I feel as though my nature is overriding my spirit right now and it’s actually mildly scaring me. I need to have hope beyond this, beyond everything. I need to have hope that I can help, that I can make some small difference in a life, in the world at all. And I need to have hope that Heaven isn’t going to be boring, and that it’s real and that God will welcome me gladly into His arms when I’m there. I need hope in the kingdom and I need to have my eyes opened to that Kingdom. Because all I can see right now are people who have succumb to their earthly identities and are losing fast their will to acknowledge themselves in the context of Christ and Salvation and Love and Freedom. And I count myself as one of them. And I really don’t want to. 

So there is your not so regular report on how my life is breaking down. Please keep me in your prayers. I need the support.

And if you think I’m crazy, please don’t kick me while I’m down. wait a week or two and I might be in better shape to take your hits and turn the other cheek.

Batter my heart, three-person’d God, for you 
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend; 
That I may rise and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend 
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new. 
I, like an usurp’d town to’another due, 
Labor to’admit you, but oh, to no end; 
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend, 
But is captiv’d, and proves weak or untrue. 
Yet dearly’I love you, and would be lov’d fain, 
But am betroth’d unto your enemy; 
Divorce me,’untie or break that knot again, 
Take me to you, imprison me, for I, 
Except you’enthrall me, never shall be free, 
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

This is a poem by John Donne. It is called “Batter My Heart”; It is also my current prayer. That God would not mend and clean my heart, but that He would use His might and power to break completely, melt down, and re-form my heart as a completely new, whole, and perfect heart. Who’s desires matches His perfectly, and that wants what He wants, and shuns what He shuns. So that I can properly show love to this world and help build the Kingdom up, one stone at a time.