Three years ago today (or round abouts), I heard God clearly for the first time. And by hear, I mean I just knew what He wanted from me in my heart more acutely than ever before. It was like He spoke, or breathed His desires into my heart. And I knew, I knew what He wanted from me more than anything. He wanted me to choose Him. 

Any time that God desires something of you, it boils down to a choice between Him and something else in your life thats getting in the way of either your relationship with God or some aspect of growth within that relationship.

But this choice was anything but normal. God was asking me to turn my back on something that I thought of as Part of me, as a defining Characteristic of my personality. He was asking me to alter my sexuality. He was asking me to choose a life devoted to Him instead of having relationships with guys. Now, He wasn’t asking me to become sexually devoid, because thankfully I have never lost my attraction to girls. But still, He was asking me to give away apart of myself, a part that I thought defined me and was why a lot of people were friends with me. What set me apart from the crowd, and gave me liberty to pretty much act however I felt. However, He was also asking me to give away a part of me that I had asked Him to take. A part of me that made me feel upset, different, and a part of me that I was never happy with. This wasn’t because I thought I was wrong, or unnatural, but because I felt that it wasn’t what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to get married to a woman, to my wife. To have kids. I never wanted to end up with a man. I could have, easily, it honestly would have been easier for me to. Men are so much easier to be with than girls. Its a much more comfortable and familiar place to be with a man. But as much as I felt I loved those guys, I always wanted them to a brother more than a lover. I loved their bodies of course, but that was only so much of it. More than anything, I wanted them to learn from me, to respect me, to look up to me. And I wanted them to love me, but once again, in a different way. I didn’t want them to depend on me, to look at me as their other half, I wanted them to see me as a friend and equal, but separate. My wife, I want her to look at me as her other half, her companion, another part of the whole that is us. 

So, despite the feeling of being lost that I knew would over come me, despite the hardships I knew I’d have to endure. I chose. I chose God. I chose to give up part of myself so that I could better find myself in Him. And it has been the Hardest Choice of my life to date. And one that I am asked to choose ever day. And yes, there have been days that I have not chosen, there have been days that I have decided that God was asking too much, or unfairly, or that He was just not enough. But eventually I always remember that I wanted this too, and that despite the hardships it’s caused. I’ve never regretted it, not really. I’ve lamented, I’ve complained, I’ve asked for a better way, but I gave so much less than what I’ve received. And a lot of times I forget that. But as long as I live, March 14th will be the day that I remember that God saved my life. 

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask me. In person, or here. That’s the link to my formspring. Its anon if you feel uncomfortable asking me. Or you can just find me on facebook. or at 1612 greene street columbia, sc like 50% of the time. I may post a part two to this soon.