And hurtfully say that I absolutely love you ever bit as much as I did four years ago and ever year in between then and now. I love you in every single way, and it pains me. I don’t know how to ask God to do anything with this love, because my love is sooo complete for you in every way, I don’t know if it can be shifted away from the ways it shouldn’t manifest.

And so given this, I thank you from the whole of my heart, and praise you the same, for the strength that you have. And I do this because I know. I know that you do not posses or display this strength for yourself, you do not do it to protect yourself, you do it because of me, to protect me. You have the core that I lack, you are unbendable because of you love for me and your respect for me and the decisions I have made. I truly believe that you have more love and respect for me and those decision than I have myself. You can never understand or know how much this means to me. Despite the fact that it hurts, despite the fact that I am near tears and it feels as though I have been struck in the chest with you fist whenever I leave your house, by the time I arrive back to my house and am in my driveway singing Christmas songs, my heart swells and rejoices that God has given me you, and that He has not taken you away. And He’s been given reason and prayer enough to. You protect me more than anyone else on this planet, and I thank you for that. Please never change who you are in that.

And writing this has helped me let Him do the required shifting. 
My head is clearing and my balance is returning. Smile please, He’s looking out for you too.